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dear journal,

today was soooo bad i got a after school detention "disrupting the class and being very bad"

all i did was go under the table to the other side of the class to sign a birthday card....

i really am pissed off!!!!

hey everyone

i created this online journal to help me put my thoughts together and learn more about myself and who i am..thats why most of my journals are going to be private : ) but if you want to know anything about me you can read my profile...

I started classes at Ivy Tech in Kokomo this previous Monday. I think I'm going to do okay in the classes that I picked out. They're seem like they're pretty easy (for me at least). I have a few updates in my life this new year.

When I got up with my fiance Saturday morning at 4:30 to get him off to work and after he left I heard my mother talking in the bedroom with someone. About 20 minutes later she comes out to the living room and asks me what time I have to work today and I replied at 1:30 to 10. She told me that my brother would have to take me to work then because she has to go to the hospital. And I'm like What?! My grandfather had gotten up at 4 Saturday morning to go to the bathroom. He stood up out of bed and had a major headache, so he layed back down. Then, he poked my Grandma Louise in the side and asked her to go get him some Tylenol for his headache. She brought back Bayer Asprin instead. He then went to the bathroom with the aid of holding onto things on the way. He started coming back to the bedroom and he got halfway there and couldn't go any farther. So, he layed down on the couch in the living room. That's where he stayed until the Ambulance came. They took tests at Marion General Hospital, and it showed that he had a brain bleed. So, they lifelined him to Methodist Hospital (Clariton Health) in Indianapolis. I ended up calling off work and going to the hospital with my mom and the rest of my family. He is staying at the Critical Care Unit at Methodist Hospital until further notice. He is doing a lot better since his surgery at 2:00 yesterday afternoon. Hopefully he will be returning home here shortly.

Other news is...I am now engaged to a man (Zachary Scott Ollis) that I love, so desperately and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with. He is so great to me. He may not be a total complete Christian, but he is working on it. The great thing about that is is that he will help me with my walk with the Lord, but in the same great way I will also be helping him.

DEPRESSED. THAT'S HOW I FEEL TODAY. WHY? LET'S SEE:

1. I'M $15,000.00 IN CREDIT CARD DEBT!

2. MY MARRIAGE IS IN DIAR NEED OF REPAIR, WHICH I'M HAPPY TO SAY WE ARE WORKING ON BUT THERE'S SOME THINGS THAT JUST CAN'T BE AGREED ON WHICH TAINTS THE REST, FOR ME ANYWAY.

3 I DON'T HAVE ASTEADY JOB BECAUSE HUBBY WANTSME TO WORK WITH HIM AND HELP HIM WITH HIS BUSINESS SO I DON'T HAVE A STEADY INCOME. I WORK A FEW HOURS A WEEK UNDER THE TABLE BUT THAT'S IT.

4. I'M OUT OFSHAPE.

5. MY SELF ESTEEM IS AT AN ALL TIME LOW.

6. I FEEL VERY ALONE. I HAVE DAUGHTER AND HUBBY BUT NO PARENTS, NO BROTHERS OR SISTERS.

7. I FEEL LIKE A BURDEN TO HUBBY JUST BY THINGS HE'S SAID.

8. I HAVE TOO MUCH SCATTERED ENERGY. CAN'T FOCUS ON ANYTHING.

9. I HAVE NO MOTIVATION.

10. I HAVE NO GOALS, AMBTIONS AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET MYSELF MOTIVATED TO HAVE THEM.

poem for my dream bf....

ryan your all i could ask for,

you even turned me emo,

to kiss you i would pay a phillipeno,

or give out a grand just to hold your hand,

when i saw you i got all jumpy and happy inside,

after that i got a A in a test,

i love you ryan you are the best......

you really cant expect to win such a high caliber of game when your major starters are injured and can't score touchdowns in the red zone. Today's loss to the patriots was very rough. The patriots are on the verge of NFL history. and the NY giants beat the packers.. i cannot believe it. eli manning is going to the super bowl before the chargers. AARGG.. the irony and heartbreak!

So i found out that Steven is going back to south dakota in the middle of feb. He brought up the fact that i should fly out there to be with him during the weekend. i couldnt even believe it!!! Stuff u dream about i guess.. but now its becoming reality? If he's willing to foot the bill of a round trip ticket so that he can spend some time with me, how can i say no? i would LOVE the chance to spend time with him and to be locked up in a hotel room alllllll weekend long.. i could so do that, no problem!!

Tomorrow is my last day of freedom. then its back to the grind... back to school. I'm excited.. yet.. i'm dreading it lol hopefully there will be cool people in my class to make it easier!!